My phone isn't ringing. The emails aren't pouring in either. I've received minimal response from a number of marketing efforts I've made. I wasn't asked to return to a conference to teach. I'm not crazy busy yet everyone else around me seems to be working and finding the success that somehow, seems to be eluding me. Will I ever work again? I'm worried people are not going to show up to the very first fundraising event I'm organizing for my charity, karmaNICA. I'm not giving my body what I know it needs to feel its best and thus I feel, well, gross. Fat. Ugly. Pick your favorite word. Yes, you may say I'm having a bout with insecurity right now.
And it's been going on for a while.  I recognize it as a legitimate feeling, and probably a result of wrapping up a number of projects that have kept me going non-stop from May until the middle of August. However, in an attempt to not allow it to completely sabotage me, I asked myself this question: Can insecurity actually be a good thing? Can I utilize it to motivate and maybe even inspire me? Looking at my past accomplishments and achievements or reviewing how many friends and fans I have on Facebook wasn't going to cut it. I needed a new tool. 
I've always had this desire, maybe even a NEED to succeed (at least as it's traditionally defined.), which in and of itself is often born out of insecurity. Typically success breeds a positive self image. Others praise us, we are congratulated and probably even feel more loved. Failure leads us to negative thinking, self criticism and contempt. But does this have to be true? 
I thought about what would happen if no one showed up to my event. What would that mean? Well, for starters it would mean a lot less money to help the children of Nicaragua that I treasure so dearly. I would be disappointed and feel I let them down. Since I have no children of my own, these young ones, along with my nephews, are the nearest I get to that pure, unconditional love found in a child. They don't know about your 'failures' or judge you because you are fat, skinny, old, young or are having a bad hair day. They love. It's what they do. And it makes me want to give more. And do all that I can to make this event a 'success'. 
This in turn, pushed me to put aside my pride, and get to work. Follow up emails. Asking for help. Being open with my fears. Exposing my confident facade. I actually told a friend in an email, "I'm really worried no one will show up. Do you think you could rally the troops for me?" 
It also reinforced a concept I know in my head to be true. Your experience is a direct reflection of your own behavior and internal state. Attract what you seek by becoming that very thing. Like attracts like. If I need friends right now, I need to be a friend. 
And, still, the karmaNICA event may not be the 'success' for which I'm hoping. Then what? This thought is forcing me to analyze what it means to be successful. And now, yes. I will look to others for inspiration. Quotes from highly successful people who have seen down times. Reflection upon the times when I have been knocked down but always seem to get back up. And knowing that I'm not the only one feeling these feelings or the first person to face adversity. All of these things remind me that if I feel defeated and deflated, it's temporary. I'll get back up, brush it off, and try again. It's not the first time and it certainly won't be the last. A friend recently told me that she felt as if "Life handed her a big old can of whoop ass." I responded with: "I understand. But know the day will come when you will be the one delivering a big old can of whoop ass to life." Your can of whoop ass is always just around the corner. 
Let's look at the physical feelings I'm having. In one word. YUCK. Things are not flowing. I'm plagued with indecision. I have no idea what to do next. I'm one of those people that is more efficient when I have more to do. I use adrenaline to fuel the tank and bluntly, to get shit done. I can be a machine. Like the energizer bunny. It has been traditionally how I've done it, and it's worked. But I do know it's unsustainable. And not healthy. It's a challenge for me to operate out of 5th gear. Right now, I have to learn a different way. How can I be productive without a list of 30 tasks in my day and how do I operate in a nice and easy 2nd gear? Spirit is asking me to be a little more still and listen. Something is not working. Why? What can I do differently? Do I need to do anything? Can I sit and write? Who says that is not productive? (I'm actually feeling better already!) Typically I feel 'useful' when I'm getting in a workout or working on a project. If I want to stop feeling this way and start feeling worthy no matter what, then I need to do something about it. Learn a different way. Grow my experience. 
This type of insecurity also tests my faith in all I believe in my head and hope to experience in my heart. My faith in the universe and forces greater than myself and this limited human body. That no matter what, I will be taken care of, supported and loved. And it is in these moments when I realize I can only fight this insecurity with MORE faith, not less. 
What I'm learning is that insecurity can drive us to action (or in my case, maybe a little more in-action), alter our perceptions and beliefs, and spark positive growth and change. To be honest and to share our honesty. To act upon the Golden Rule, "Do onto others . . . " And lastly to have faith in all that you are experiencing. The good, the bad, the ugly... and yes. Even the insecure.